The scars on my arms show my cries to God quite well constantly asking him on and on, “How much longer?” How much longer until I am freed? How much longer until I’m rescued? Auntie says I just need to know this information to become a Christian. The problem with these catechetical classes is that they really aren’t about addressing needs. They really aren’t about encouraging dependence…they just sound as if they’re trying to tell me that God wants me to have some sort of “doctorate” in Christianity (and not just in “Eastern Christianity”) in order to be accepted as his child.
This seems to be the message on and on that I receive in these catechetical instruction classes. This is why I decided to blow them off and this is why I decided to just stop attending them. It just seemed like God didn’t want me for who I was but that he wanted me to become this “uber-genius” transforming me into a brilliant “jerk” able to assert that others were falling short because they didn’t have my superior “knowledge”. Or, as my LPC and a friend from my Evangelical Covenant Church enlightened me on–if you’re a parent, do you make your child learn all these things before you decide that you want to be a parent? Do you not love them no matter what? I know that Auntie will always do this for me but these catechetical instruction classes simply make me feel isolated from God as if I have to earn him through my own “personal” knowledge.
Maybe this is why I’ve thought of God as someone who hates me? Is it possible that these catechetical instruction classes are actually more damaging and harmful to my faith than they are constructive toward it? I wonder. It was because of these stupid catechetical instruction classes that my dad started pestering me non-stop about my faith…if it were not for them, my dad probably wouldn’t have said things that came out so harmful toward me. Maybe if my parish priest was actually a decent, human being, and accepted that everyone experienced God differently, maybe I wouldn’t feel so weighed down in these classes. It’s these classes and the idea of having to be forced to go through them that make me feel like baptism is just me trying to earn God’s love rather than God actually loving me.
And by the way, I learned love from a mother and a grandfather this time around as my LPC is a grandfather and my friend from my Evangelical Covenant Church is a mother. I think I needed to hear their words and I think Momma Jess’s love for me is something I need to remember to feel right now as well…I’m not sure where God is but I can I always believe Auntie is there and she says Mary is there to call on as well.