Fr. Kimel requested I do some praying and discerning about where God is trying to lead me as I feel genuinely pulled by God into three directions right now. I’m not entirely certain as to what “discipleship” is but if it’s anything related to what Peter did when he was walking on water, depending on the presence of Jesus, I’m fairly certain I have that down…well, not entirely because I’m still trying to seek on my own. Should I just start trying to go to a Greek Orthodox church this morning as my father was asking me about what appeals to me in Catholicism?
The difficult part for me is that I’ve felt an affinity toward all three churches in the linked post but I feel like a square peg in a round hole…out of place. I’d prefer a church that’s self-reflective of its own extent…I don’t quite understand why I should be the only self-reflective one in the church. I sense an appeal to the femininity in the worship with the emphases on Mary in Anglo-Catholic, Catholic, and Orthodox churches. I like to be able to depend on the community as well. As well as how God participates in the liturgies. But alas, I feel like a square peg in a round hole. I have difficulties with believing all the rules and regulations and what-not as some just seem so ludicrous.
I have difficulties with the absolute veto on women priests done by the Catholic church, I have difficulties with the absolute allowance of women priests in the Anglican church. I have difficulties with the immaculate conception. I have difficulties with the catechesis of the Orthodox and how it seems to be divested in giving you your “PhD in Christianity” as Auntie would put it. The experience is all the same in the three churches but I have difficulties singling out which one.
So I hope that Fr. Kimel doesn’t mind that I think that God is pulling me toward the Anglo-Catholic church right now mostly due to the conversations I’ve had with Auntie and the fact that I must be a child to her right now. Her teachings are simple and little and for me to trust in them requires very little effort on my part–all dependence. But I won’t be with her until another year or so and that’s assuming all goes to plan. Is this a wrong reason to believe God has pulled me into a church or something? I just wish I wasn’t oh-so confused. All I know is that if I were to continue seeking on my own right now my brain would either bust or I would be succumbing to an even more painful spiritual suicide.