All of them…a lot of them…thousands of them. I’m not aware of any one in this world who has experienced Satan as directly as I have…in his whitest and purest form ever attempting to explain to me how much he loved me. A year and a half ago (about that long ago, not exactly that long ago), I called upon Lucifer as Master and Lord. Though I attended an Evangelical Covenant Church, I never told them about it. I never told them about my secret atheism/agnosticism which would develop into a liberalism and then ultimately an utter Satanic disdain for God. I was a theistic Satanist and a theistic Luciferian. I called upon Satan to have God destroyed. I worshipped Lucifer as the utmost purity. Sometimes, I was a non-theistic Satanist and worshipped myself as God. And I was also a non-theistic Luciferian and worshipped myself as the source of light in place of God.
Who can blame me? My childhood, Evangelical Non-Denominational Christianity told me that if I didn’t believe in God, I would burn in Hell. The first message of God’s love I remember getting was how I was a sinner that was bound for Hell. Why would such a god of love create such a wretched place? I repented of my sins and turned to God of course but remained quite skeptical of such a God. I was always skeptical of such a God. It’s the God that I was raised with though. Who can blame for calling upon the number one enemy of God to vanquish God? Who can blame for having wanted to kill God? And yet, as I begin to read about Fr. Kimel’s God and how he is going to save everyone no matter what, I sense a yearning for that God. And as I sense a yearning for that God, the demons I invited into my life want ever the more to drag me into Hell. They want to constantly project an image of God into my head that tells me that God will not love unconditionally. That God requires certain things of me. And I continue to become scared of God.
The demons demand me to see a God of spite. It’s the only way they can recruit me to their side. If I don’t accept the love of God, they win. And therefore, they must re-create in my head the God that I was told as a child. I never was told things like the Trinity or differing views on theology or even about baptism and I certainly was never aware of communion even though I was supposedly raised as a Christian! I did, however, get the lesson that unless one believed in God they were assuredly bound for the Hell-fire. And so I was scared to believe in God and I remember reading in the Bible the importance of being dead to sin and loving and recalling how I never did this because no one bothered to tell me that was important! When I asked if that was important, I remembered hearing that this wasn’t important to being a Christian—only belief was necessary, only belief could we generate. But I could never generate belief. I was never told accurately what being loved by God meant. No one really cared. I wasn’t told the fundamental truth that “God is love”. I was told a cloudy picture. And the demons try to project this old view into my head all the time. They know if I maintain it, I will never affirm the truth that can set me free. And there are too many for me right now—I invited them into my heart!
So I pray the following prayer hoping that God will hear it…
“St. Michael the Archangel, defend us in battle.
Be our protection against the wickedness and snares of the Devil.
May God rebuke him we humbly pray.
And do thou, O Prince of the Heavenly Host,
by the power of God,
cast into Hell Satan and all the evil spirits
who prowl throughout this world, seeking the ruin of men. Amen.”