Category Archives: Despair

Losses all over…

I like to play a lot of strategy games. Strategy board games (like chess which I’ve commented on frequently) and strategy video games (like Civilization, Empire at War, and Age of Mythology). I do a lot of correspondence games of … Continue reading

Posted in Despair, Love, Passion | 1 Comment

Suicide watch shirt–REALLY?!?

So here is apparently the argument for the complete and overall mockery of people who struggle with depression and suicidal tendencies. Apparently, since we still have the death penalty, it must be fun watching someone die. Apparently, these defenders of … Continue reading

Posted in Despair, Passion | 25 Comments

“Africa” by Toto – Ever thought of it this way?

When I first heard the song “Africa” a few years ago, I thought it was initially one of those love ballads about two people coming together in Africa and the music video even supports this theory. But upon further examination, … Continue reading

Posted in Despair, Entertainment, Passion | 1 Comment

Why I’m Talking to My Deacon…

So I start out as Arian, then liberal, then Satanist, then apparently, my guardian angel tells me to start reading church history and I’m led toward a Byzantine Catholic Church (hell, I’d never even heard of Byzantine Catholicism until then!) … Continue reading

Posted in Despair, Love, Passion | 1 Comment

How do you know you’re a sinner?

When I was growing up, people told me that I was in danger of going to Hell because of my sin and that I was the “nastiest” child in the world because of a concept that they called “original sin”. … Continue reading

Posted in Atheism, Bible, Despair, Old Testament, Passion | 2 Comments

I let them in…

All of them…a lot of them…thousands of them. I’m not aware of any one in this world who has experienced Satan as directly as I have…in his whitest and purest form ever attempting to explain to me how much he … Continue reading

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Does God want me to rest?

The answer is “no”. It’s so wonderful that so many people have found a comforting home in a place that nourishes them spiritually but I have been malnourished spiritually. According to God, if I want to find him I must … Continue reading

Posted in Atheism, Despair | 5 Comments

I saw a baby baptism yesterday…

I’ve never seen a baby baptism before. Even though Jesus had revealed himself to babies (Matt. 11:25-26), a baby being enlightened to know Jesus was simply unthinkable among the Evangelical Protestantism I grew up with. They did baptise infants at … Continue reading

Posted in Atheism, Catholicism, Despair, Eastern Christianity, Eastern Rite, Love, Passion | 2 Comments

Dear Mother,

Help! Help your Child, Auntie Jessica! Every time I think, I find myself stepping ever closer to the noose and it is very close now! I just want to cut my arms and let the blood flow out until there … Continue reading

Posted in Despair | 2 Comments

I’m Sorry, Auntie Jessica

That doesn’t look entirely bad now does it? But the fact remains…I started cutting myself again and I snuck a pair of scissors up to my room. I just can’t stand my family situation right now. My parents just simply … Continue reading

Posted in Despair, Love, Passion | 14 Comments

Counting Down the Days…

approximately 10 1/2 to 11 months before my life gets back to normal… approximately 46.5 to 48 weeks… approximately 325.5 to 336 days… approximately that long until I am hopefully safe with Auntie from all the forces of decadence and … Continue reading

Posted in Anglicanism, Atheism, Despair, Eschatology, Love, Passion, School and Education | 1 Comment

The Butterfly Game!

We’re going to play a game! Any one who reads this post can play this game also though you may miss out on a hell of a lot of fun (literally–hell)! Because I struggle with cutting and depression and the … Continue reading

Posted in Despair, Love, Passion | 3 Comments

Doubting the Sacraments

That lovable Saint Therese of Lisieux…says, for example, ‘I am assailed by the worst temptation of atheism’. Her mind is beset by every possible argument against the faith; the sense of believing seems to have vanished; she feels that it … Continue reading

Posted in Atheism, Despair, Passion | 13 Comments

God Speaks…

Try as he might, Mack could not escape the desperate possibility that the note just might be from God after all, even if the thought of God passing notes did not fit well with his theological training. In seminary he … Continue reading

Posted in Atheism, Bible, Despair, Passion | 8 Comments

Underground

Oh, yes, we shall be in chains and there will be no freedom, but then, in our great sorrow, we shall rise again to joy, without which man cannot live nor God exists, for God gives joy: it’s his privilege–a … Continue reading

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Why I Just Want to Blow Off Any And All Catechetical Instruction

The scars on my arms show my cries to God quite well constantly asking him on and on, “How much longer?” How much longer until I am freed? How much longer until I’m rescued? Auntie says I just need to … Continue reading

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My parish priest…

I met with my parish priest yesterday and I had the initial impression that I’d be able to have more of a command as to what was going on with my journey but it didn’t happen that way. My parish … Continue reading

Posted in Anglicanism, Catholicism, Despair, Eastern Christianity, Love, Mariology, Passion | Leave a comment

The Love of God?

Why is it the one central doctrine of Christianity that I struggle with the most? For the life of me, I can’t grasp what “God is love” means or how that’s even a meaningful statement. I read Light for Life … Continue reading

Posted in Atheism, Despair, Passion | 18 Comments

“Will I be denied Christ–Tourniquet–my suicide?”

Posted in Despair, Passion | 1 Comment

Called Into All Three – But Why?

I feel like all of these strings on me are trying to pull me into three different churches all at once and it is confusing me. I feel like I am right back where I started when I first started … Continue reading

Posted in Anglicanism, Atheism, Catholicism, Despair, Eastern Christianity, High Church, Love, Mysticism, Passion | 2 Comments

Dear God, Thank You for Your Fan-Club

In these recent times, I’ve been having struggles dealing with the concept of a God who reaches down to me since I never was lucky enough to have God starting from birth. It might be because of my depression which … Continue reading

Posted in Atheism, Calvinism, Catholicism, Despair, Eastern Christianity, Entertainment, Passion | 12 Comments

My Bi-Polar Faith

Well…we all have one. Here’s a brief summary of mine. Atheist-theist-atheist-theist-theist-atheist-theist-theist-theist-atheist-atheist-theist-atheist-atheist-atheist-so on and so forth…always an agnostic. So bi-polar. On a side note, I talked with my counselor about my depression-excitement-depression-oh you get the point. He said I might have … Continue reading

Posted in Atheism, Despair, Passion | 1 Comment

Hans Urs von Balthasar: Credo

Posted in Despair, Love, Mysticism, Passion, Philosophy | 2 Comments

Help me, god…

Genesis 32:22-31 – The same night he arose and took his two wives, his two maids, and his eleven children, and crossed the ford of the Jabbok. He took them and sent them across the stream, and likewise everything that … Continue reading

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IF I GO TO HELL IT’S GOD’S FAULT!

IT’S NOT MY FAULT I WASN’T BORN INTO THE RIGHT RELIGION! STOP BLAMING ME GOD! IT’S NOT MY FAULT I HAVEN’T BEEN BAPTIZED! IT’S YOUR FAULT FOR HAVING CREATED ME IN THE FIRST PLACE! END OF DISCUSSION, JERK-FACE!

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WHY HAVEN’T YOU FOUND ME?!?

Posted in Atheism, Despair, Passion | 1 Comment

Everything I Want to Say God Right Now if He is Real

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In Case You Were Wondering

I often get accused of being a liberal democrat by neo-conservatives and being a conservative republican by neo-liberals. Took a quiz today because I was writing about the political history of Spanish conquest in the Americas for a paper due … Continue reading

Posted in Anthropological, Despair, History, Opposition to Governments, Passion, School and Education | 21 Comments

Reasons Why I Hate the Bible

I’m shockingly one of very few “Christians” (I’m not one any longer, don’t know what I am, was an Eastern Catholic Catechumen and still desire to be an Eastern Catholic but need peace) who absolutely hates the Bible. I will … Continue reading

Posted in Bible, Catholicism, Christology, Despair, Deuterocanonical Works, Eastern Christianity, Eastern Rite, History, Narrative, New Testament, Old Testament, Passion, Religious, Trinitarianism | Leave a comment

“Death Be Not Whatever”

A clip from a Joan of Arcadia episode.

Posted in Despair, Eschatology, What Happens When We Die? | Leave a comment

I don’t want to be miserable

Posted in Despair, Passion | 7 Comments